Okay, so far what we know with intimacy is everyone's idea of intimacy and

standards for what they're looking for is subjective, and

some people might not want intimacy at all.

And that's okay, too.

But for people who are looking to maybe foster and

grow intimacy in the relationship, do we have some helpful tips for them?

>> Well, I think the simple answer is yes, but I have to say this first.

We already said it.

We do not think that everyone has to be aiming at the same level of intimacy,

and they should probably choose the level of intimacy that they're comfortable with.

But if you really want to do it right, then you have to understand that

the idea of intimacy itself can have its own problems.

The idea of intimacy originally refers to the inmost, innermost, the deepest.

So we are sort of like reaching into the deepest corners of our being,

or the ground of being, and then when two individuals are becoming very intimate,

like the distance between them, or the boundary even between them will

disappear, and they sort of like merge, right?

And is it desirable?

It depends on how you look at it.

Like some people think that it is too enmeshed,

then people lose their individuality, which is not necessarily a good thing.

So there is like some kind of balance that we need to achieve.

A psychologist who wrote a very well-known book back in the 50s,

Erich Fromm, had this to say.

He said, in love,

the paradox occurs that the two beings become one and yet remain two.

So he's sort of like pointing out there should be a balance between like merging together and

becoming one person, and then maintaining your own individuality,

your own being, or your own personality.

So I think that is a key starting point.

So as we want to do that, right, one of the things that I always encourage is for

people to have a safe space created between them so

that they will feel free to negotiate what kind of distance we want to maintain.

And I can ask a participant in this relationship openly, directly,

honestly communicate to you, what am I comfortable with and what do I want.

And when we have that safe space created, right, then it increases the chance

of us negotiating the optimum distance or intimacy that we have.

But that's a condition for that to happen, right?

And that condition itself can be considered a measure of intimacy itself,

that is condition of trust.

So I need to feel safe, I need to be able to trust you.

And for people to achieve trust,

it also involves some level of understanding, sharing, communication.

And it is actually quite interesting when I'm talking like this,

it may come over as convoluted, but that actually is a cycle.

So if you have more trust, you build a space,

and a space will allow you negotiate your intimacy more easily, but

how do you start having trust in the first place, right?

It will involve the participants to move in and share something.

And one of the findings that we have paid attention to in social

psychology is how trust can be connected to self-disclosure.

If you would let the other person know more about you,

you are more likely to get the other person to trust you.

But then, like, as you can easily see,

the very process of doing it itself increases intimacy, right?

So in a way, when I say that you have to create a condition of trust,

I'm already suggesting that you become a little bit more intimate, right.

before you even move on to negotiate, like what is intimate.

4.15 Building Intimacy

The Arts and Science of Relationships: Understanding Human Needs

Meet the Instructors