And I guess that I feel like just taking that second to say this is okay, accepting how you're feeling kind of step forward accepting yourself probably. Just takes such a load off and kind of maybe allows you that space to even relax and know that it's okay to feel how you're feeling, I think that's so important. >> Yeah, and there are a few things that we can do to get ourselves a sense of control. Some people are afraid of the negative emotions because they feel that they are losing control. You know like I am totally overtaken by this anger or this depression or whatever. One of the simple things that we can do is to document, journal, write about, or if you're not really into writing a lot, you can just keep a record of how and when I was feeling this. And that would help because that would give you a little sense of control over what you're experiencing. And then, as I said earlier, if you're not blaming yourself, you should also be able to say to yourself and that is true, that like any of this intense emotions, like the relationship that you experienced, is not going to last forever. So like that can be one of the things that is always true, alright, And you can say that okay I'm feeling anger or I'm feeling you know sadness, but this is not going to last forever. So I will let that take its natural course and it will like stop at some point and I do not have to rush it. I do not have to fight it, I just need to recognize it. And then, with that recognition, we can start doing something else, right. >> Mm-hm, with people who for them their idea of self-care or reducing their feelings of negative emotions is, let's say, through drinking or substance abuse or engaging another risky behaviours. What do you have to say about that? How can we understand that and kind of work on it? >> Yeah, like now in the typical SSLD framework we are not judging those behaviour because people would race their car down the highway or take up gambling or drink a lot or use drugs. They're doing this to ease their pain. Or there are so much emotion inside they have to do something drastic in order to vent those emotions or to channel them out. So instead of telling them that this is bad, don't do it. We would say that okay, this is what you need to do, right. So think of other things, right, that can serve the same purpose, but would not give you the same level of risk, right. You need to do something drastic, so would like say taking it out on a punch bag help or you know like go and run a half marathon or you know like do something crazy, you know. Buy a ticket and fly to San Francisco to check out on your high school buddy. You know like something drastic, that's fine but do something that would serve a similar purpose some similar function without the same level of risk. So instead of like saying don't do this. We're saying like think of something that will work similarly. So we normally would ask people to do something that can be like even self indulgent. You know they can indulge a bit like, the key word is create a pleasurable experience for yourself without incurring too high a cost or taking too much of a risk. And the cost thing can be tricky here, but I personally believe that if you have money and you can spend it to make yourself feel better, you may want to do it. It is better to do that than to, say, gamble your money away. [LAUGH] >> Right. >> Even if you have to take some money on credit and, say, buy yourself a vacation. And that would actually make you feel good. I think it is still not too bad a choice.
