I want to have a luxurious designer item, but I don't really need that.
I actually need self-esteem and affiliation, social approval, acceptance.
So when we're trying to figure out what the other person needs,
one of the things is to look at what this person is trying to achieve
and infer from that.
Say for example, people come to university to do graduate degrees.
What do they need?
What are they trying to accomplish?
And, actually people come to do the same thing for very different reasons.
Some people may be driven by a need for achievement.
Some people actually didn't know what to do under the socially acceptable
arrangement for them to do nothing and figure things out.
Some people come to graduate school because their boyfriend or
girlfriend is here.
[LAUGH] And then some people have very clear career objectives.
So we have all sorts of people apparently doing the same thing but
needing different things.
Very often, when we want to figure out what another person needs is to
ask the question, what would make you feel better?
This is actually a very helpful question that we encourage people in
couple counselling to ask.
Sometimes couples got stuck in a situation and
then you have one person being very emotional or depressed or
angry, and the person is not trying to be nasty to another person.
He or she has difficulty in even understanding his or her own needs,
so instead of asking, so what's that you want from me?
We ask, honey, what will make you feel better, right?
So that is a different way of trying to get what people's needs might be.
And the other thing of course is that you can infer by the person's complaint.
If someone is like, I'm trapped here, bored to death,
so this person might need activity, stimulation,
happenings, something out of his boring routine.
So that is, by looking at what one is complaining,
we infer what the person's needs may be.
And then there is also, people are telling us about what they are afraid of.
And when they're afraid of something, it can be a fear of flying or
afraid to take chance, or people with severe social anxiety.
So when you get to that situation, why are you so afraid?
I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of embarrassment.
And we reframe that, so
what does a person who is afraid of embarrassment need?
The person needs some assurance, some protection, some security and
maybe a clear perception of the incremental steps that this person can
take so that he or she can move from withdrawn,
isolated position to gradually open up and build up relationship with other people.
A. Ka Tat TsangFounder of the SSLD System; Professor and Factor-Inwentash Chair in Social Work in the Global Community
