I think it works well for people who are really into
a monogamous, lifelong relationship kind of script, right?
But then, my sense is that for most people now, in an increasingly
globalized environment, you'd probably would have come across more than one
person in your lifetime that you would be building an intimate relationship with.
And it is not uncommon in our lives to see people who
are simultaneously attracted to more than one person.
Obviously, I do not want to be making any moral judgement or
decision for people, and if that is your chosen script, that is fine.
But I would invite you to at least reflect on it's like why do I choose this?
Is it the only possible arrangement?
I obviously would argue no, right?
But then the thing is when you have that
you think there is one person who's almost destined to be your partner and
then you try to find this person.
Chances are you will be missing out and
not paying adequate attention to what you really need, who you really are.
And like back in the SSLD language system, we'd be talking about how about your own
N3Cs and as matching with this other person's N3Cs.
The other thing, of course, is people change.
And then as you go through life together, you may both be growing and
developing and become a better person but you just become better persons who are different.
And less compatible, right?
Then, you may then have to renegotiate the relationship and go through what we
call a transformation phase, which is not always a bad thing.
So this is the assumption that we want people to, at least, reexamine.
We don't have to give up this, but
I think you would be better served if you have gone through the thinking and
given yourself the reason that this is why I've chosen this, right?
>> Yeah, I mean I can definitely imagine some
people who follow that one myth really get stuck, right?
I mean if they lose that person that they always identified as that one person for
them, then maybe they're not opening themselves up to new experiences later on.
Or kind of, really, having a more negative outlook on the world, right?
>> Yeah, but then you know society is also, at least mainstream,
North American society, is sort of organized around this idea.
So people have very strong opinions on behaviours that they consider, like
say cheating.
People think that wow, you're in one relationship and you feel attracted to another person, it's sort of
an ethically problematic thing to do
and to experience and
I just want to point out that well first of all it happens all the time.
And then the other thing is that people do change and
then when you feel that you are attracted to another person,
you may actually be discovering something inside of yourself.
And you may also be discovering some un-met needs you might have.
And you just have to be honest and deal with it.
And I'm not saying that every time you see someone attractive you should
give up your existing relationship and pursue another one.
But I think being honest and being aware would be very important.
A. Ka Tat TsangFounder of the SSLD System; Professor and Factor-Inwentash Chair in Social Work in the Global Community
